How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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