I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Randomize
