It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
