Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
God, I missed his penis.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
