i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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