Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
