dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
