I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize