I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
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