am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
