dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Randomize
