i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
