I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
