If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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