drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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