Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
