I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
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