nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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