Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
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