once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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