This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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