Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize