Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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