1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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