dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
