My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
