Can i not drive my cunt home
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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