Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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