I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
