You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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