apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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