i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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