I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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