I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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