and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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