broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
