i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
