Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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