So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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