her vagine was all disorganized.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
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