I accidentally burped into my bong.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
