My underwear smells like fireworks.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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