She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
