I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
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