At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
