Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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