he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Randomize
