i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
There's always time for handjobs
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
