i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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