I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
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