I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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