literally had 100 drinks last night.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
