then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
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