So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
