Umm I'm too high to move.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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