you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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