This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
