Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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