Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
